A new space

Operation Baby Gage has evolved. It began as a chronicle of our infertility journey, shifted into my pregnancy blog, and now has sporadically become a place for me to blog about motherhood. That has left me feeling slightly unsettled. Is this the right forum for my blog? Technically Operation Baby Gage is "Mission Accomplished," so what now?

The most amazing thing happened when I started to share my story through this blog. I realized that I loved writing. Not only was it therapeutic, but it brought me a sense of joy and purpose in a stressful time. Now, navigating a HUGE paradigm shift into parenthood, I've found more than ever I want (and need) to take time to write. With that in mind, I set out to find out what I wanted to write about. Lots of thought and brainstorming led me to the concept for my new blog. The word that kept springing to mind for me was "Moderate".

I've found that I'm a fairly moderate when it comes to most things in life. I'm middle class, I subscribe to a moderate political ideology, and don't lean too far in one direction or another when it comes to most parenting debates. My philosophy? Do what works and keeps you and your family happy and healthy (mentally and physically). I also tend to be the natural moderator and peace-keeper in my relationships. So, Moderate Momma was born!

The Mission & Spirit of Moderate Momma

• This is blog community where moms can share, learn and grow without feeling they aren’t measuring up. Ideas are shared in the spirit of collaboration!
• Moderate Momma should make you feel good, provide inspiration and camaraderie,and make you laugh.
• This is a Guilt-Free zone, no shaming one another for parenting choices.
• Recognizing that all moms are coming at parenthood from different places (socially, economically, culturally, and relationally) I will strive to remove "Always", "Never", and "Should" from my vocabulary.
• No "Pinterest Perfection." I promise to share the good, bad and the ugly without an Instagram filter. :)

I'll obviously be posting my thoughts on motherhood, but will also post other non-parenting musings, share my crafty endeavors (when I finally finish one), and generally share my life. I sincerely hope you'll make the hop with me and follow my new blog and share it with the other Moderate Mommas in your life!

All the feels

This morning I've found myself feeling a little nostalgic, maternal and mushy towards my little 7 month old man. He's doing so much these days, rolling over, pushing up, quasi-crawling, babbling the sweetest unintelligible strings of vowels and consonants and generally warming my heart. 

He's also been difficult this week. All these new activities lead to face planting occasionally, and melting down often. He's hit the separation anxiety milestone head on, crumpling into a mess of sobs when I'm not in his line of sight. It's a challenge, but a phase and I know we'll make it through. 

I was watching him sleep this morning and clearing out the photos on my phone because I've maxed the storage chronicling Arlo's first 7 months. I was looking at these photos of him just a few weeks old and almost got weepy thinking of how quickly time has flown. 

Arlo, 7 weeks

Arlo, 7 months 

Sleeping Babe :)

And so, with a big case of the feels, I wrote this for my boy today:

Precious hands grasping for purchase, gentle tugs at my shirt. Warm contentedness curled beside me. This is love.

Crooked smiles turned to a smirk, deep belly laughs prompted by my tickles. Curious fingers always discovering. This is love.

Frustrated cries from a tumble, anxious glances when I walk away. Needing your mama all the time. This is love.

A softer heart, a softer body, stronger arms for soothing you. A change of title, a change of pace. Priorities and paradigm shifted. This is love.

6 Month Review

When I was working full time outside of the home, I would have a professional review every 6 months. Upon celebrating Arlo's 6 month of life last week, I thought it would be good to take stock of where we are, how things are going, and what life is like with our 6 month old little man. 

The Stats:

• 18lbs, 2oz, 28" long 
• 90th percentile for length and head size, 75th percentile for weight (future sports star perhaps?)

The Milestones:

• Arlo has mastered rolling over (both ways, although he forgets that he knows how to get from his tummy over to his back and fusses)
• Arlo has also started sitting up all on his own! 

• He also just recently started pushing up and pulling his knees under his body and rocking back and forth. We've got to get on the baby proofing train, stat! This boy is about to start crawling!
• Arlo started solid foods at about 5.5 months. His current favorite is the Gerber mix of pears, carrots and peas. He tears it up!
• By far the biggest milestone (in mommas eyes) has been sleeping blessedly through the night! He has started sleeping in 8 - 10 hour stretches and it feels AMAZING!
• No teeth yet, but he's a drool machine and I think it's could happen any day now. 
• Nothing within arms reach is safe any longer. Gone are the days of me eating dinner while holding him. His inquisitive hands are EVERYWHERE. Last week he ended up with a hand dipped in queso. 

Favorite Toys:

• This boy LOVES his exersaucer. Seriously the best $45 piece of used equipment we have ever purchased. Yes, I recognize that I am the same woman who said (pre-baby) that I didn't want to buy a bunch of baby gear that I might not need just for the sake of having it. I stand corrected. Buy all the gear! It will give you multiple options when you need a safe place to sit your baby to do things like...go pee, make dinner, respond to an email, ANYTHING. Do yourself a favor though and don't buy these things new. They have such a short use life with your growing and changing little one, get your craigslist, FB garage sale and consignment store on! 

• He's also really into his Fisher Price ring stacking set and bucket of blocks. Simplicity. :)

Mommy's Favorites:

• Babywearing. No, this isn't some flaky fashion trend, it's been my lifesaver and a precious way to bond with my boy. He seems to like it too.

• Sweet Giggles. The first time Arlo laughed, I started crying. It was literally the sweetest, most precious sound I've ever heard. It is now my daily goal to get at least one good belly laugh out of this boy each day. I'm pretty sure it makes the world a better place.

Hope

Arlo is now 9 weeks old, which thankfully has meant he is sleeping in 6 -7 hour stretches at night and takes a couple of nice naps during the day. Yesterday I was going through our routine for a successful morning nap: Sleep Sheep on playing lullabies (check), baby swaddled to avoid startle reflex (check), sweet rocking to lull him to sleep (check), gentle transition to his crib (check). As I was stepping out of his nursery and thinking of what I should attempt to accomplish during his nap time, I paused to peek in and make sure he was really asleep when I was struck by the enormity of the moment. Here I was, a mother, standing at the entrance to my son's beautiful nursery watching the peaceful rise and fall of his contented chest. I was at once overwhelmed, grateful, and in disbelief at the trajectory our life has taken in the last year. 

12 months ago this week I received our IVF meds in the mail. I was in the midst of anxiety and doubt about whether or not our efforts and considerable financial investment would result in a baby. After all, we had spent 6.5 years trying without success, why would this "try" be any different? If I could go back and tell Lindsey of 12 months ago the shoes she would be standing in today, she likely wouldn't believe me. She carried a load of fear and worry and a tiny, infinitesimal amount of hope. 

I guess the reason I'm sharing this today is to encourage those of you still reading. Those of you who are carrying the heavy load of fear and doubt. I do not for a moment take for granted the miracle that is sleeping in that crib and that we are among the incredibly lucky ones to be on this side of the struggle. After 6.5 years, 12 months, a load of needles and a tiny seed of hope changed everything. Miracles are possible. Our family is proof.

Saying Farewell to Mommy Guilt

There are certain things you expect when you bring home your newborn baby. You can count on a lack of sleep, a plethora of dirty diapers, and for your home to be consumed by baby gear.  Then there are the surprising things that no one tells you about. For instance, people will ask you INCREDIBLY personal questions in group settings, on conference calls, while in line at the grocery store, you name it! "Oh what a beautiful baby, are you breastfeeding?" "Such a blessing. Was it a vaginal birth or Cesarean?" Yes. I've been asked point blank about my vagina by strangers! Manners, folks! There are also the super sexy panties they give you in the hospital. No one told me that both me and the baby would be going home from the hospital in diapers. Just Google it, I'd prefer not to dwell on it. On top of those surprises there are the WIDE range of emotions you experience in your first postpartum weeks. Love, self-doubt, joy, sadness, and the most difficult for me, mommy guilt.

After 6.5 years of trying to conceive, you would think that once our little one arrived, I would settle into the bliss of motherhood, and in many ways I have. I love watching him wake up and give me a big gummy grin because he loves me and knows I'm his mama. I love listening to his cooing noises on the baby monitor when he naps during the day. I love how much he needs me and how I can calm him and soothe him when he's upset. These are all things I can say now at nearly 8 weeks home from the hospital. Weeks 1 - 5 were another story. 

Our precious man came home and was FUSSY. Wait, fussy doesn't really do it justice. At least 6 hours a day (basically when he wasn't sleeping) were spent in a struggle to nurse an angry baby who didn't want to latch or have anything to do with my boob, who was only happy once we gave him a bottle of formula (ouch to the mama ego), and still cried inexplicably even after he seemed satiated. Many nights were spend strapping him in the carseat and driving in circles around our neighborhood as it was the only activity that would stop the crying and lull him into sleep. Both me and Ken were ragged around the edges with lack of sleep, and frustration at why we were obviously sucking at this parenting gig.

It was particularly hard for me. I was completely jacked up on the roller coaster of postpartum hormones and desperately wanting to seem like I had it all together. I wanted this for so long. I didn't want to finally be a mom and fail at the task, or seem ungrateful for our amazing miracle. As is my M.O. I wanted to hide this struggle. I didn't want to ask for help. Thankfully my husband knew better. He enlisted the help of a good friend to take me and the baby to Dr.'s appointments, my family to come over and watch Arlo so I could shower or nap, and my best friend to come stay with me for a few days while I was recovering.

Eventually, after meeting with a lactation consultant and sufficiently torturing myself about it, I decided to stop trying to nurse. Arlo was unhappy and unsatisfied with my measly output and I was heartbroken at not being able to do what my body was supposed to do. It has been a tough decision to make while knowing that "breast is best". How could I not give him the best?!? Difficult as it was it was the right call for us. Instead of dreading each feeding time, I now enjoy looking down at my chubby, happy, formula fed baby while he takes his bottle. I know that we are bonding through that time much more than we were through his red-faced crying at my attempts to nurse him. We also discovered that part of his scream-a-palooza (even with the formula) was due to painful reflux and have gotten him on medicine as well as OTC gas drops. AMAZING the difference those little drops have made.

So why share all this? In a previous post, I spoke about wanting to live an authentic life. Part of that authenticity is blogging about the real-deal life stuff that most people would rather hide. It's easy to try to fake having it all together. Post sweet pictures of your baby sleeping on your Facebook and never mention that this was a brief moment of bliss in an otherwise crappy day. I'm also trying to shed a little light on the issue of mommy guilt. We beat ourselves up over whether or not we are doing everything right for our little ones and to be honest, we sit in judgement of other women if we think they aren't. There seems to be a rush post-delivery to declare your parenting style. Are you attachment parenting? Will you use the Ferber method? Co-Sleeping? Breastfeeding? Formula Feeding? Will you wear your baby in wraps and slings or push them in a stroller? There is an endless array of decisions to make and you feel that each of them will dramatically impact the development and psyche of your child. 

So what are we doing? What is our parenting philosophy? I've decided that we will be adopting the "Pro-Arlo and what works for our family" method. I'm trying to trust that I am the expert on my baby (scary thought) and no one knows him like I do. I'm also trying to let go of guilty feelings and realize that I'm giving him my very best 100% of the time. So here we are, entering our 2nd month of his precious, long-awaited life. Here's to the next milestones with this little man!

Arlo's First Month

In some ways the last month feels like a blur and in other ways, a series of precious memories in need of archiving. With the lack of sleep and adjusting to our new normal as a family of three, my blogging activity has fallen to the back burner, but I'm taking a few moments while Arlo sleeps in his baby swing to jot down some of my favorite moments of his first month:

1. Taking gratuitous photos: Yes, we are those parents, and if you follow us on Facebook or Instagram (@thosegages), you are likely on Arlo overload. We can't help ourselves. Every smile and poop face needs documentation. See exhibit A below (all photos were taken within 30 seconds and capture the many moods and expressions of baby Arlo!) 

   

   Exhibit A

2. Adjusting to little sleep: Waking up every hour to make sure he's breathing, every two hours for feeding/diaper change/reswaddle, and sometimes just sitting up watching him sleep. It's amazing how getting the first 3 hour stretch of sleep will make you feel like superwoman and capable of anything.
3. Loving my baby daddy: Ken is a rock. Period. I already knew this through our infertility journey. The man is amazing, but seeing him as a daddy has brought it to a new level. His patience and tenderness with our little man is nothing shy of beautiful. He also has taken it upon himself to make sure I'm making it through the muddle of postpartum moodiness, sleeplessness and hormone spikes. One of my favorite moments thus far was after a particularly long day home solo with a very fussy Arlo, Ken came home, ordered pizza, poured me a beer and sat across from me in the nursery while I rocked the boy, feeding me bites and sips while my hands were full. That's love and teamwork. :)
4. Singing to my baby: This little guy is going to have an appreciation for good tunes. I regularly pace the house with him singing James Taylor, The Beatles, and Carole King. I find myself tearing up half the time that I have him in my arms and can sing to him. Still surreal folks.
5. Being with family: One of the main reasons we are living in Texas now is so we could raise Arlo near his family and our friends. I've been so touched by the outpouring of love, care, and generosity of those who love us. We are beyond lucky.
6. Being okay with crying: Babies cry. It's their only communication tool, but it's no less disturbing, and heart rending to a pair of new parents. We've learned ways to soothe the little guy (thank you gas relief drops and baby Zantac) and know that this season of fuss and colic will be behind us soon.

I'm sure there are 2 dozen more moments I'm forgetting, but I only get to write in 10 minute segments and with one hand half the time. :)

Thrilled to be Arlo's mommy,

Lindsey

Crossing the finish line

Operation Baby Gage reached the finish line (or the starting block depending on how you look at it) Tuesday, February 11th at 5:56 am. Arlo Miller Gage decided to join us weighing in a hearty 8lbs 8oz and at an astounding 23.75" long. No wonder I couldn't breathe or eat at the end of my pregnancy!

Before I jump into the details, get a load of this kid:

Arlo was one week overdue and since we had a very accurate due date thanks to our IVF timeline, our doctor agreed we were good to induce at 6:30am on the 11th. Monday the 10th we had one final check at my OB's office and she requested we go ahead and check in at the hospital that evening so they could administer some ripening medication overnight to help with dilation prior to the induction. We checked in and got set up in our L&D room and met our nurses who took such loving care of us.

One of our nurses mentioned that sometimes the ripening meds can actually trigger labor and I was hoping that would be the case for us. I really didn't want to have to rely on pitocin to start a long and intense labor. Turns out I got my wish. After being dosed, contractions hit full swing, just 1 minute apart. With only about 20 seconds between contractions I was ready to call in the cavalry and opted for a blessed epidural. Hallelujah. I was able to rest for about an hour when I realized it was go time. I let my nurse know that I felt the need to push and sure enough I was ready. 7 minutes later Arlo's first cries pierced the room and my heart and life have been forever changed.

I am obviously writing this blog in a new mommy fog. We've been home two days now and are working to adjust to the new normalcy of sleep deprivation (note the time stamp on this blog), counting poop and pee diapers, and just marveling at this incredible person we are entrusted to care for and raise.

I can not say enough about my husband. I have seen an amazingly tender side of him that I always knew was there, but seeing it unfold has been no less touching. Watching him fall in love with his son is beautiful and I can't imagine a better partner. He is doting and makes sure I'm eating enough, hydrated, and sleeping as much as possible. 

So there you have it. Our birth story. I am tired, overjoyed, hormonal, giddy, sore, and at moments overwhelmed by how much I love this tiny person. (Yep, you guessed it, I'm crying while typing this). 

Operation Baby Gage will continue. It was always my hope that this blog would evolve from an infertility blog, to a pregnancy blog and now into a chronicle of our journey as new parents. Infertility is still a huge part of our story and will continue to be in the future. I am passionate about fertility issues and will continue to blog about them as well, but the focus of our world is shifting. Thank you to all of you who have walked this journey with us (physically or virtually).

40+ Weeks...Eviction Notice

Alright kiddo. Let me paint a picture for you. Your mom and dad are so ready to meet you. We have moved into a new home and decorated a sweet pad for you. You have a plethora of cuddly blankets, stimulating toys, organic cotton diapers to pamper your bum, adorable clothes to keep you comfy (all pre-washed in safe, non-toxic laundry soap) and four arms ready to hold you. 

I have dusted, vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, pre-made frozen dinners and washed every stitch of dirty laundry in this house to give us a leg up once you arrive. You really should get here so you can see your home this clean. It probably won't be this orderly again until you're old enough to help with chores!

Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy this time with you in my belly before you arrive and I'm trying. Unfortunately, you are waking me every 45 minutes at night with an urgent bathroom run, a kick to the ribs, or just plain old fun heartburn. Mama is officially bleary-eyed and would much rather be awake at night nursing you and looking at you than bemoaning the not-so-fun side effects of late pregnancy.

As much as we fought for this pregnancy, I feel selfish to complain this late in the game, but I'm doing it. This hasn't just been a 40 week process. It's actually been 338 weeks of waiting to meet you and bring you home to our family. Don't keep your mama waiting much longer. We are READY (or as ready as any first time parents can be).  So this missive serves as your eviction notice. It's time to come meet the world and all the people who love you! 

Anxiously Awaiting Arlo

39 weeks. We are in the homestretch little man. I wanted to take a few minutes to write to you about how I'm feeling before our entire world turns upside down in a very joyous way. 

Right now I'm so eager and anxious to meet you. Sitting here feeling your knees and elbows poke and prod my belly literally makes me giddy thinking I'll be holding those tiny arms and legs very soon! Following our child birth class I was worried and nervous about the birth process, but now I'm just so excited to meet you and hold you, I'm just about over the nerves. I wish I knew exactly when you will arrive, your mama is an advance planner, something you will learn all too well!

My nesting overdrive has kicked in and your daddy is making me take it easy and rest as much as possible. I'm beginning to have what I think are Braxton Hicks contractions. Nothing regular or rhythmic enough to suggest this is the real deal, but enough to clue me in that the end/beginning is near! 

You are "due" in just 5 days and I'm secretly hoping you will arrive a little early. Your dad has joked that if you come during the Super Bowl this Sunday the birth certificate form may need to be changed to "Peyton Manning Gage" instead of your agreed upon moniker. Don't worry, that's not going to happen. :) 

When I'm not nesting or working, I've been reading everything I can get my hands on. Pregnancy books, birthing books, breastfeeding books, newborn care books, even blogs on how to deal with the poop factor in your adorable cloth diapers. I still haven't wrapped my mind around that one yet.

Last week I read through every blog entry since creating this site and marveled at the incredible journey we have been on together. I do not take for granted for a moment the miraculous nature of your very existence. I feel so fortunate and lucky to have walked through the last 9 months with you. The medications, shots, blood draws, cramps, heartburn, sleepless nights, backaches and worry have all led us to this moment, counting down the days until we see your sweet face.

Come when you're ready, but don't wait too long. We can't wait to meet you!

36 Weeks!

Tuesday Ken and I went to our OB for our 36 week ultrasound and check up. This was the first time we've both seen the little guy since our 20 week ultrasound. For those of you who have been through IF treatment you know you get used to seeing that little grayscale image every couple of weeks in the beginning, so to go 16 weeks without a glimpse has been a little tough. I have to keep reminding myself that our mother's generation didn't even have ultrasounds (or the internet) to get them through pregnancy. I shudder at the thought!

Our boy is measuring at 6.5lbs and is right around the 50th percentile for size at this point in the pregnancy. He should gain about half a pound / week leading up to birth so we're looking at a 7.5 - 8.0 lb baby. Our ultrasound tech said he's going to be a tall one too. His head is WAY down there (something I know all too well with my frequent bathroom breaks) and his feet and bottom are all the way up under my rib cage. Future basketball player? Track star? Starting QB for the Denver Broncos? Yes, those have all entered my mind. :) 

His heartbeat was strong and everything looks healthy and good to go! Perhaps the most exciting part of the ultrasound was that we finally got to see his face. In every other ultrasound he has played coy, put his hands up, or stubbornly turned around so that the most expert sonographer could not capture a profile or face shot. 

See how handsome he is already?! (Mothers are entitled to be biased even this early, right?)

It looks like he's going to have some chubby, kissable cheeks. Perhaps the most adorable thing was seeing him move his lips and mouth during the ultrasound. The entire time he looked like he was desperately trying to find a pacifier. Sweetest thing ever. And yes, I cried, because that's what I do. I'm seriously going to be a wreck the first time I hold him in the delivery room.

This weekend Ken and I have a 2-day intensive and comprehensive birthing and lamaze class to hopefully get us ready for the wild ride we will be embarking on in the next few weeks. 

We are in the final countdown and I may be going a little nuts on the nesting front. Next on the to-do list? Prepping a slew of frozen meals to get us through the first few week's of Arlo's life. If you have a tried and true recipe from the "freezes beautifully" section of your favorite cookbook, please comment and share (Yes that was a Steel Magnolias reference)!

Neuroses

Baby Arlo,

I'd like to start this missive with a bit of a confession. Your mother is sometimes (only sometimes) neurotic. Mainly when it comes to you, your well-being and care. I'm not sure if that will be soothing to you or terrifying, but you need to know that your mama can be a bit overly concerned about you. I would like to think that once you are here in my arms that some of these tendencies will calm down, but let's face it, they will likely only increase. I'll worry over a cough, or a runny nose, or your first scraped knee for at least the first several months of your life until I realize that you are strong and a trooper and able to bounce back from the inevitable boo-boos of life.

I'm not sure if my neuroses are due to the fact that it took SO long for us to get to you or if this is something that plagues all mommies. (I'd be interested in feedback on that one) I worried through bed rest that you in your tiny fragile embryonic state would nestle in and stay with us. I worried once we got our positive beta results that we would make it to see a healthy heartbeat at 7 weeks. I worried once we passed the hurdle of the first trimester that your sequential screening results would come back normal. I worried (sensing a pattern here?) through the second trimester anxious to feel your first movements and kicks.  And just when you think you're in the home stretch and that there isn't much to worry about anymore, your OB tells you about kick counts.

I woke myself from a deep slumber a few weeks ago worried that I hadn't felt you move as much that day. I walked around the living room and poked and prodded my belly until you sprang awake and started kicking me with full force (probably in an attempt to get me to leave you the hell alone). Lord help us, I've been a worry-wart, much to your father's consternation. 

Last night I had a wonderful dream. You were about 1 week old. I was running an errand (who am I kidding, I will likely not be venturing out with a 1 week old) to the store and I took you out of your carrier and you were happily snuggled in the crook of my arm. In that moment there was peace, no neurotic panic, no worries about your well-being, just a content baby boy in the arms of his mama.

I cannot wait to meet you and with just 5 more weeks until your due date I am sincerely going to focus on letting go of the worry and embracing the fact that you are real, and here with me. I love you so much already!

Mom

Overwhelmed (In a good way!)

Last Sunday 5 of my friends hosted what I will now term as the most adorable baby shower ever. I was surrounded by sweet family and friends, a bounty of delicious food, and more gifts for this little boy than I could have dreamed. Towards the end of the shower I decided to let everyone in on the baby name that we have been closely guarding for the last 8 months.

As I shared his name with the group and saw their excitement, I was immediately overwhelmed and burst into my own special brand of not-so-pretty-happy-crying. The enormity of the moment hit me. For over 6 years I have dreamed of being pregnant. I have dreamed of my baby shower. I have dreamed of being a mommy. At times I thought this just wasn't in the cards for me. Sitting there in the seat of honor with 20 women oohing and ahhing over the teeniest tiniest clothes that MY BABY will soon wear just overwhelmed me. 

I was so grateful for the women around the room and touched by their generosity. Especially for my friend Jill, who in addition to hosting "the most adorable baby shower ever" in her home, has walked alongside me through our infertility journey (all 6 years of it!). Spurring me on, consoling me when treatment failed, cheering for me in our success and always telling me what a great mommy I will be. This is what a champion looks like:

The day flew by much like my wedding day did in a flurry of hugs and well wishes. I left feeling so loved and knowing that this little boy has a posse of southern ladies at his back. Watch out world! 

In the midst of my joy I thought of the women I have encountered through my blog who have encouraged me, and celebrated with me even though they are still struggling in the trenches with the monster called infertility. I am thinking of each of you (Amanda, Jess, Jessah) and praying for your happy news and special days to be coming very soon. 

And in case you were wondering, Baby Gage's name is Arlo Miller and we have just 8 more weeks to go until we get to meet him!

Saying Goodbye

I started this blog to document our quest to bring a baby into this world and so far it has served as a wonderful therapeutic outlet and hopefully someday will be something I can point at to show our son just how wanted he was. Even though this post has little to do with Baby Gage, it does allow me the chance to say farewell to my first baby, my furbaby.

Miss Laney

This week has been a particularly rough and emotional one. It culminated yesterday in saying goodbye to my 14 year old toy fox terrier, Laney. I adopted Laney over Christmas break during my junior year at Texas A&M, much to my parents initial protestations. In hindsight, their rationale was correct. I was only 20 years old, I wasn't home often, I was a full time student. What kind of dog parent would I be? I know they fully anticipated me seeing the error of my ways in a few short months and bringing this high energy puppy back to their doorstep pleading with them to take care of her for me. 

What happened instead was this little one wormed her hyperactive way into my heart. In fact, within two weeks of adopting Laney she literally saved my life. While attempting to housebreak her in my tiny college apartment, I was keeping her in a kennel at night while I slept. One January morning around 2am, she woke me barking, crying, and pawing at her kennel door. I begrudgingly got up to get her leash to take her outside to find my living room windows aglow with fire. The apartment across the hall from me was in flames and those flames were quickly making their way to me. I grabbed Laney, my car keys and my purse and we fled the apartment. No fire alarms sounded or smoke detectors, but Miss Laney's alarm was loud and clear. From that moment on, my parents looked at her as the angel who saved their baby girl and were thrilled that I had found such a loyal companion. 

In the years following Laney saw me through college exams, graduation, boyfriend heartbreak, new jobs, and 11 moves in 14 years. She perhaps has thrived the most in the last 8 years since I met the man who is now my husband. Ken is an animal lover and in addition to loving my crazy little dog just as much as I did, he worked with her and trained her. Always a smart girl, Laney picked up a whole new vocabulary and a slew of fun games and tricks. This photo was taken by Ken last week when I was away in Denver. I love the pensive "waiting for momma" look in their eyes!

The beauty of this 10 lb girl was not just in her fun, high energy personality and eagerness to greet her people at the end of the day, but in her tenderness. Like many dogs, she had the ability to sense my moods and care for me. She curled up next to me when I cried after our initial infertility diagnosis, snuggled me when I fell apart after our failed IUI, and was the most excellent bed rest partner following our IVF (see exhibit A).

Exhibit A

We knew we wouldn't have her forever, and over the last few months more and more signs pointed to the fact that she was struggling. A lump on her side, whimpers of discomfort, and in the end some pretty scary seizures that left her confused and scared. Our girl had cancer that had spread to her brain. Having recently moved, we reached out to my parent's vet and he was able to not only discuss how to cease her suffering, but was willing to make a house call so Laney could pass in peace at home surrounded by lots of love. 

A good friend of mine may have put it best when she said that Laney had been a good companion and knew that I was going to be surrounded with the love of a new little one soon. Her timing was to make room for my new joys and responsibilities to come as a mommy. 

Ken and I both feel a peace that we made the right call and have saved her unnecessary additional pain and suffering. I'm sure she is happily chasing cottontail rabbits in the great puppy hereafter, but it's still a tough adjustment. Just yesterday afternoon while picking up some groceries, we both passed the pet supply aisle and for just a moment thought about picking up some treats for her. The house is sadly much more quiet without the click-clack of her tiny nails across the tile floor as she skittered over to greet us when we would walk in. 

We will remember her as our little girl, our trial kid and our fur baby with such warm memories. Thanks for teaching me responsibility, how to care for someone other than just myself, and how to receive unconditional love. You are missed.

  

How 'bout a little change?

In case you wondered why this blog has been radio silent for a while, it's because mama has been BUSY. Being 6 months pregnant and prepping for Baby Boy Gage CLEARLY wasn't enough change for our family. Over the course of past few months, we began to feel the pull to move closer to our family in our home state of Texas, Ken interviewed and was offered a fantastic new job in Austin, we made the mad dash to get our home ready to go on the market, purged, sold off furniture, and packed our belongings, and moved 1,000 miles. 

With a little divine providence, things have progressed with an ease that is sometimes unsettling. Our house was under contract within 36 hours of being on the market and we have since successfully closed! I was able to transition with my current job to work remotely through the end of the year. My parents welcomed us into their home and allowed us to store all our earthly possessions in their workshop saving us rent and storage fees. I immediately found a wonderful new OB in Austin and have set up our birthing classes and tour of the hospital. We began the new home hunt in earnest and are under contract on a little slice of heaven in the hill country and are due to close before Thanksgiving. WHEW! How's that for action in a 6 week window?

I couldn't be happier for this change. We will be living close to family and the thought of being able to spend time with them and raise this much hoped for baby near them is just about more than I can take. :) It's been a joy to reconnect with old friends, many of which are going to be my much needed mommy support network! I'm beginning to feel a peace settle around us which couldn't be better timing. I'm about to turn the corner into my third trimester and am ready to get settled, do a little nesting and get ready for this baby boy to join us in just 3 months!

Here's hoping the next change in our lives will be the changing of diapers!

Announcing...

Baby BOY Gage. :) I'll keep it short and sweet, but we had our 19 week ultrasound this week and were able to confirm our little one is a little man! I'm sure when he's older and reading these entries he'll be thrilled that I included photos of his 19 week old dangly boy parts, but I think it's a mom's right to document everything no matter how potentially embarrassing down the road. 

Meet our BOY!

Authenticity

We live in a time when we have abundant forums to share our lives (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram) yet we are often not authentic in that sharing. I'm not saying that we propagate falsehoods, but we really only share our best selves. We post a status update when we have something bright and witty to say. We share a photo when we look our best. We post about our careers when we get a promotion or bonus. What we avoid like the plague is posting updates about failed cycles, miscarriages, divorce, unemployment, and loss.

Please don't misconstrue what I'm saying here. I'm not suggesting that everything in our lives must be laid bare to the social media masses. Perish the thought! There are some things that are just private. Period. What I am suggesting is the importance of cultivating authentic relationships. 

When I "came out" about our infertility struggle, my private message box on Facebook filled with friends sharing that they too struggled with infertility. Soon I realized that some of the beautiful Christmas cards I receive each year filled with photos of beautiful smiling children were brought into this world with ART. My previous fears that everyone else had their lives together while I was somehow broken beyond repair were quickly assuaged. 

So now that I am joyfully pregnant, I started to wonder how I can avoid stepping into the well-intentioned, albeit annoying habit of only sharing the highlight reel of my family's life and stashing the B-roll well out of sight. Do you promise yourself that for every precious photo of your child posted, you also balance the universe by sharing your frustration with their latest tantrum? Is there a formula to follow? If you were looking for an answer, I don't have one. But I will share that my goal is to build a simple and authentic life.

When I asked myself what that looks like, I realized it sounds a little ambiguous and buzz-wordy, so I'm trying to break it down to the core of what I want for myself and my family.

Here is what I'm working towards (and putting in writing so you can call me out when I'm not!):

• Understand that I will fail and embrace those losses as learning moments when they happen
• When appropriate, share said failures 
• Not be fearful of frailty 
• Surround myself with authentic people who bring out the best in me (in my career and in my friendships). It's that whole iron sharpening iron thing.
• Live a simple life. Get the hell off Pinterest (or at least take a break) and quit comparing my wardrobe, home, car, lifestyle, bank account to others. Live comfortably within our means and love. :)

Seems like a good starting point. 

A Note To Our Little Avocado

Today was our 16 week appointment with our OB. We were both hoping that at today's sneak peek we (and by we I mean the doc who is skilled in reading ultrasounds) might be able to tell if you are a boy or a girl. No such luck today, we did get measurements of your head, torso, femur (2.5 cm in case you were curious), and got a really cool look at your spine. I'm still amazed at watching your little life grow! You are no longer a product of my dreams, you are a real, heart-beating, blood pumping person growing at an incredible rate! 

Once the size of a poppy seed, you are now a full blown avocado! In just a few more weeks, you will be approaching the size of a grapefruit. Four weeks from today we will be halfway through the pregnancy. Halfway to sleepless nights holding you, our much hoped for child. It all feels strangely surreal, although not as fragile, tentative and nerve wracking as the first 12 weeks. 

I'm eager to begin feeling those first small flutters announcing your movements and reminding me that I'm not alone. I understand that your ears are developing so get ready for my morning commute sing-alongs, your mother has no shame in her game. 

Keep growing little one. We are already so in love with you!

MIA

I've been MIA from my blog for a couple of weeks now. The reason? Monday kicks off my busiest week of the year at work (our annual conference) and thus the last few weeks have been very full with planning, meetings and logistics. The good news is that I feel ready for the marathon week ahead! 

So what's happened in the past few weeks with Baby Gage, you ask? Quite a bit! We had our first appointment with our OB last week and got to see our little one. Our baby is a mover! As soon as the ultrasound brought my womb into focus, both arms and legs began pinwheeling! It was so exciting to see our progeny move about. I cannot wait to begin feeling those flutterings and kicks (which my doctor thinks I'll begin to feel in early September). Baby Gage measured right where he or she should be for this point in our pregnancy. Our OB was able to get a view of the baby's brain during the ultrasound and quipped that we should keep all savings for fabulous vacations because this child would obviously be brilliant and earn a full ride to the university of their choice. I know he must say this to every patient, but it was no less thrilling to see our baby's 12 week old brain!

I had another more detailed ultrasound this week for our sequential screening. The amazing thing about this appointment was the detail the ultrasound provided. I could see the individual bones in our baby's hands and feet, and could see the baby swallow! What a tiny, beautiful miracle!

We are now headed into our 14th week and officially in the second trimester...whew! Making it this far feels like such a surreal accomplishment. My nausea has pretty much subsided and my energy levels are rebounding. My belly is beginning to protrude and I have embraced the comfort and forgiveness of maternity pants. As evidenced by the time stamp on this blog, I'm also experiencing a bit of insomnia. I wake up once or twice a night to use the bathroom and my brain flips on and begins cataloging a list of to-dos, replaying conversations from the day, and wandering to baby names.

Our next ultrasound is in just over two weeks and we are REALLY hoping to find out if our little Embry is a boy or a girl. I have strong sense that we're having a boy, but have heard countless stories from my mommy friends of how their maternal instinct told them one thing, only to be proven wrong by the ultrasound tech. Regardless of the sex of our baby, we're thrilled that he or she is growing strong and healthy!

The Graduate

Guess who has two thumbs, is officially graduated from her infertility clinic, AND weaned from her meds?

THIS GIRL!

No more 5:30 am wake-up calls for progesterone shots. No more sticky estrogen patches that no amount of scrubbing completely remove. More than anything I'm thrilled that my body seems to be doing what it is supposed to: producing the hormones needed to sustain a pregnancy and grow this sweet baby.

We are just a few short days from hitting the 12 week milestone and 6 days from our first appointment with our OB and another ultrasound to see our little one (now the size of a fig!). To say we are excited would be an understatement. Stay cozy Embry!

A Letter to Embry

I had my first dream about you last night. As dreams tend  to go, it was brief and fleeting, but it was particularly vivid. I was bent over your infant carrier watching you sleep. You were so tiny! As you slept you were smiling and making tiny sleeping baby noises. I had the distinct feeling that you were a boy (forgive me if I'm wrong!) and you were absolutely breath-taking. Technically, you woke me from my dream, as I stirred to wake up and use the bathroom in the middle of the night. I desperately wanted to fall back asleep and see you again! I guess I'll have to wait two more weeks until our next ultrasound, but that grainy black and white image does not do you justice.

In other news, you are now the size of a kumquat and I think the cravings have officially begun. My current favorite foods are BLT's on sourdough and spicy dill pickles from Heine's produce stand. All my pants are snug and I wore my first pair of maternity pants to work today...talk about freedom! Visit me in my dreams anytime little one.