Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The "What if" Blues

Throughout this process I've been striving to stay positive and have been fairly successful at keeping dark dreary thoughts at bay. I even used the private feature on Pinterest to create my very own Baby Gage vision board. I have had so much fun pinning nursery designs, pregnancy announcement ideas and adorable photo poses for newborns, but this weekend I had a serious case of the "what if" blues. All the niggling doubts in the back of my head came roaring to the forefront and I found myself sliding into a sad spiral. This is how the "what if" blues start:

  • I wonder what happens if our egg donor doesn't respond well to her medication?
  • What if she does respond, but doesn't produce good eggs?
  • What if she does respond, produces good eggs, but we don't get healthy embryos?
  • What if she does respond, produces good eggs, we get healthy embryos, but we don't get pregnant?
  • OMG what if she responds, produces good eggs, we get healthy embryos, we get pregnant, but I miscarry?
In case you didn't piece it together, the main culprit behind the "what if" blues is me feeling a lack of control, which, let's face it, is 100% the case. I think the most frustrating thing about infertility isn't the fact that you can't get pregnant, it's that you can't control your own body and in many ways, you feel like you can't control your future/destiny/hopes. I'd like to go ahead and apologize if I become a tyrant over the things I can control in my life, the laundry will get done, the mail will get sorted, I will mark the items off my to-do list at work,  and I will do all of these things with EXTREME PREJUDICE! 

The only thing I can control in this process is following the directions of our doctor and nurses to the letter and hope for the best. Speaking of which, if you're curious as to what IVF looks like, look no further. This is what I got in the mail today:

4 bottles of pills, 6 boxes of estrogen patches, 3 types of injections, 4 jumbo packs of needles (and a partridge in a pear tree) :) One month and counting...let's do this!

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