Overwhelmed (In a good way!)

Last Sunday 5 of my friends hosted what I will now term as the most adorable baby shower ever. I was surrounded by sweet family and friends, a bounty of delicious food, and more gifts for this little boy than I could have dreamed. Towards the end of the shower I decided to let everyone in on the baby name that we have been closely guarding for the last 8 months.

As I shared his name with the group and saw their excitement, I was immediately overwhelmed and burst into my own special brand of not-so-pretty-happy-crying. The enormity of the moment hit me. For over 6 years I have dreamed of being pregnant. I have dreamed of my baby shower. I have dreamed of being a mommy. At times I thought this just wasn't in the cards for me. Sitting there in the seat of honor with 20 women oohing and ahhing over the teeniest tiniest clothes that MY BABY will soon wear just overwhelmed me. 

I was so grateful for the women around the room and touched by their generosity. Especially for my friend Jill, who in addition to hosting "the most adorable baby shower ever" in her home, has walked alongside me through our infertility journey (all 6 years of it!). Spurring me on, consoling me when treatment failed, cheering for me in our success and always telling me what a great mommy I will be. This is what a champion looks like:

The day flew by much like my wedding day did in a flurry of hugs and well wishes. I left feeling so loved and knowing that this little boy has a posse of southern ladies at his back. Watch out world! 

In the midst of my joy I thought of the women I have encountered through my blog who have encouraged me, and celebrated with me even though they are still struggling in the trenches with the monster called infertility. I am thinking of each of you (Amanda, Jess, Jessah) and praying for your happy news and special days to be coming very soon. 

And in case you were wondering, Baby Gage's name is Arlo Miller and we have just 8 more weeks to go until we get to meet him!

Saying Goodbye

I started this blog to document our quest to bring a baby into this world and so far it has served as a wonderful therapeutic outlet and hopefully someday will be something I can point at to show our son just how wanted he was. Even though this post has little to do with Baby Gage, it does allow me the chance to say farewell to my first baby, my furbaby.

Miss Laney

This week has been a particularly rough and emotional one. It culminated yesterday in saying goodbye to my 14 year old toy fox terrier, Laney. I adopted Laney over Christmas break during my junior year at Texas A&M, much to my parents initial protestations. In hindsight, their rationale was correct. I was only 20 years old, I wasn't home often, I was a full time student. What kind of dog parent would I be? I know they fully anticipated me seeing the error of my ways in a few short months and bringing this high energy puppy back to their doorstep pleading with them to take care of her for me. 

What happened instead was this little one wormed her hyperactive way into my heart. In fact, within two weeks of adopting Laney she literally saved my life. While attempting to housebreak her in my tiny college apartment, I was keeping her in a kennel at night while I slept. One January morning around 2am, she woke me barking, crying, and pawing at her kennel door. I begrudgingly got up to get her leash to take her outside to find my living room windows aglow with fire. The apartment across the hall from me was in flames and those flames were quickly making their way to me. I grabbed Laney, my car keys and my purse and we fled the apartment. No fire alarms sounded or smoke detectors, but Miss Laney's alarm was loud and clear. From that moment on, my parents looked at her as the angel who saved their baby girl and were thrilled that I had found such a loyal companion. 

In the years following Laney saw me through college exams, graduation, boyfriend heartbreak, new jobs, and 11 moves in 14 years. She perhaps has thrived the most in the last 8 years since I met the man who is now my husband. Ken is an animal lover and in addition to loving my crazy little dog just as much as I did, he worked with her and trained her. Always a smart girl, Laney picked up a whole new vocabulary and a slew of fun games and tricks. This photo was taken by Ken last week when I was away in Denver. I love the pensive "waiting for momma" look in their eyes!

The beauty of this 10 lb girl was not just in her fun, high energy personality and eagerness to greet her people at the end of the day, but in her tenderness. Like many dogs, she had the ability to sense my moods and care for me. She curled up next to me when I cried after our initial infertility diagnosis, snuggled me when I fell apart after our failed IUI, and was the most excellent bed rest partner following our IVF (see exhibit A).

Exhibit A

We knew we wouldn't have her forever, and over the last few months more and more signs pointed to the fact that she was struggling. A lump on her side, whimpers of discomfort, and in the end some pretty scary seizures that left her confused and scared. Our girl had cancer that had spread to her brain. Having recently moved, we reached out to my parent's vet and he was able to not only discuss how to cease her suffering, but was willing to make a house call so Laney could pass in peace at home surrounded by lots of love. 

A good friend of mine may have put it best when she said that Laney had been a good companion and knew that I was going to be surrounded with the love of a new little one soon. Her timing was to make room for my new joys and responsibilities to come as a mommy. 

Ken and I both feel a peace that we made the right call and have saved her unnecessary additional pain and suffering. I'm sure she is happily chasing cottontail rabbits in the great puppy hereafter, but it's still a tough adjustment. Just yesterday afternoon while picking up some groceries, we both passed the pet supply aisle and for just a moment thought about picking up some treats for her. The house is sadly much more quiet without the click-clack of her tiny nails across the tile floor as she skittered over to greet us when we would walk in. 

We will remember her as our little girl, our trial kid and our fur baby with such warm memories. Thanks for teaching me responsibility, how to care for someone other than just myself, and how to receive unconditional love. You are missed.

  

How 'bout a little change?

In case you wondered why this blog has been radio silent for a while, it's because mama has been BUSY. Being 6 months pregnant and prepping for Baby Boy Gage CLEARLY wasn't enough change for our family. Over the course of past few months, we began to feel the pull to move closer to our family in our home state of Texas, Ken interviewed and was offered a fantastic new job in Austin, we made the mad dash to get our home ready to go on the market, purged, sold off furniture, and packed our belongings, and moved 1,000 miles. 

With a little divine providence, things have progressed with an ease that is sometimes unsettling. Our house was under contract within 36 hours of being on the market and we have since successfully closed! I was able to transition with my current job to work remotely through the end of the year. My parents welcomed us into their home and allowed us to store all our earthly possessions in their workshop saving us rent and storage fees. I immediately found a wonderful new OB in Austin and have set up our birthing classes and tour of the hospital. We began the new home hunt in earnest and are under contract on a little slice of heaven in the hill country and are due to close before Thanksgiving. WHEW! How's that for action in a 6 week window?

I couldn't be happier for this change. We will be living close to family and the thought of being able to spend time with them and raise this much hoped for baby near them is just about more than I can take. :) It's been a joy to reconnect with old friends, many of which are going to be my much needed mommy support network! I'm beginning to feel a peace settle around us which couldn't be better timing. I'm about to turn the corner into my third trimester and am ready to get settled, do a little nesting and get ready for this baby boy to join us in just 3 months!

Here's hoping the next change in our lives will be the changing of diapers!

Announcing...

Baby BOY Gage. :) I'll keep it short and sweet, but we had our 19 week ultrasound this week and were able to confirm our little one is a little man! I'm sure when he's older and reading these entries he'll be thrilled that I included photos of his 19 week old dangly boy parts, but I think it's a mom's right to document everything no matter how potentially embarrassing down the road. 

Meet our BOY!

Authenticity

We live in a time when we have abundant forums to share our lives (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram) yet we are often not authentic in that sharing. I'm not saying that we propagate falsehoods, but we really only share our best selves. We post a status update when we have something bright and witty to say. We share a photo when we look our best. We post about our careers when we get a promotion or bonus. What we avoid like the plague is posting updates about failed cycles, miscarriages, divorce, unemployment, and loss.

Please don't misconstrue what I'm saying here. I'm not suggesting that everything in our lives must be laid bare to the social media masses. Perish the thought! There are some things that are just private. Period. What I am suggesting is the importance of cultivating authentic relationships. 

When I "came out" about our infertility struggle, my private message box on Facebook filled with friends sharing that they too struggled with infertility. Soon I realized that some of the beautiful Christmas cards I receive each year filled with photos of beautiful smiling children were brought into this world with ART. My previous fears that everyone else had their lives together while I was somehow broken beyond repair were quickly assuaged. 

So now that I am joyfully pregnant, I started to wonder how I can avoid stepping into the well-intentioned, albeit annoying habit of only sharing the highlight reel of my family's life and stashing the B-roll well out of sight. Do you promise yourself that for every precious photo of your child posted, you also balance the universe by sharing your frustration with their latest tantrum? Is there a formula to follow? If you were looking for an answer, I don't have one. But I will share that my goal is to build a simple and authentic life.

When I asked myself what that looks like, I realized it sounds a little ambiguous and buzz-wordy, so I'm trying to break it down to the core of what I want for myself and my family.

Here is what I'm working towards (and putting in writing so you can call me out when I'm not!):

• Understand that I will fail and embrace those losses as learning moments when they happen
• When appropriate, share said failures 
• Not be fearful of frailty 
• Surround myself with authentic people who bring out the best in me (in my career and in my friendships). It's that whole iron sharpening iron thing.
• Live a simple life. Get the hell off Pinterest (or at least take a break) and quit comparing my wardrobe, home, car, lifestyle, bank account to others. Live comfortably within our means and love. :)

Seems like a good starting point. 

A Note To Our Little Avocado

Today was our 16 week appointment with our OB. We were both hoping that at today's sneak peek we (and by we I mean the doc who is skilled in reading ultrasounds) might be able to tell if you are a boy or a girl. No such luck today, we did get measurements of your head, torso, femur (2.5 cm in case you were curious), and got a really cool look at your spine. I'm still amazed at watching your little life grow! You are no longer a product of my dreams, you are a real, heart-beating, blood pumping person growing at an incredible rate! 

Once the size of a poppy seed, you are now a full blown avocado! In just a few more weeks, you will be approaching the size of a grapefruit. Four weeks from today we will be halfway through the pregnancy. Halfway to sleepless nights holding you, our much hoped for child. It all feels strangely surreal, although not as fragile, tentative and nerve wracking as the first 12 weeks. 

I'm eager to begin feeling those first small flutters announcing your movements and reminding me that I'm not alone. I understand that your ears are developing so get ready for my morning commute sing-alongs, your mother has no shame in her game. 

Keep growing little one. We are already so in love with you!

MIA

I've been MIA from my blog for a couple of weeks now. The reason? Monday kicks off my busiest week of the year at work (our annual conference) and thus the last few weeks have been very full with planning, meetings and logistics. The good news is that I feel ready for the marathon week ahead! 

So what's happened in the past few weeks with Baby Gage, you ask? Quite a bit! We had our first appointment with our OB last week and got to see our little one. Our baby is a mover! As soon as the ultrasound brought my womb into focus, both arms and legs began pinwheeling! It was so exciting to see our progeny move about. I cannot wait to begin feeling those flutterings and kicks (which my doctor thinks I'll begin to feel in early September). Baby Gage measured right where he or she should be for this point in our pregnancy. Our OB was able to get a view of the baby's brain during the ultrasound and quipped that we should keep all savings for fabulous vacations because this child would obviously be brilliant and earn a full ride to the university of their choice. I know he must say this to every patient, but it was no less thrilling to see our baby's 12 week old brain!

I had another more detailed ultrasound this week for our sequential screening. The amazing thing about this appointment was the detail the ultrasound provided. I could see the individual bones in our baby's hands and feet, and could see the baby swallow! What a tiny, beautiful miracle!

We are now headed into our 14th week and officially in the second trimester...whew! Making it this far feels like such a surreal accomplishment. My nausea has pretty much subsided and my energy levels are rebounding. My belly is beginning to protrude and I have embraced the comfort and forgiveness of maternity pants. As evidenced by the time stamp on this blog, I'm also experiencing a bit of insomnia. I wake up once or twice a night to use the bathroom and my brain flips on and begins cataloging a list of to-dos, replaying conversations from the day, and wandering to baby names.

Our next ultrasound is in just over two weeks and we are REALLY hoping to find out if our little Embry is a boy or a girl. I have strong sense that we're having a boy, but have heard countless stories from my mommy friends of how their maternal instinct told them one thing, only to be proven wrong by the ultrasound tech. Regardless of the sex of our baby, we're thrilled that he or she is growing strong and healthy!