Monday, December 30, 2013

Neuroses

Baby Arlo,

I'd like to start this missive with a bit of a confession. Your mother is sometimes (only sometimes) neurotic. Mainly when it comes to you, your well-being and care. I'm not sure if that will be soothing to you or terrifying, but you need to know that your mama can be a bit overly concerned about you. I would like to think that once you are here in my arms that some of these tendencies will calm down, but let's face it, they will likely only increase. I'll worry over a cough, or a runny nose, or your first scraped knee for at least the first several months of your life until I realize that you are strong and a trooper and able to bounce back from the inevitable boo-boos of life.

I'm not sure if my neuroses are due to the fact that it took SO long for us to get to you or if this is something that plagues all mommies. (I'd be interested in feedback on that one) I worried through bed rest that you in your tiny fragile embryonic state would nestle in and stay with us. I worried once we got our positive beta results that we would make it to see a healthy heartbeat at 7 weeks. I worried once we passed the hurdle of the first trimester that your sequential screening results would come back normal. I worried (sensing a pattern here?) through the second trimester anxious to feel your first movements and kicks.  And just when you think you're in the home stretch and that there isn't much to worry about anymore, your OB tells you about kick counts.

I woke myself from a deep slumber a few weeks ago worried that I hadn't felt you move as much that day. I walked around the living room and poked and prodded my belly until you sprang awake and started kicking me with full force (probably in an attempt to get me to leave you the hell alone). Lord help us, I've been a worry-wart, much to your father's consternation. 

Last night I had a wonderful dream. You were about 1 week old. I was running an errand (who am I kidding, I will likely not be venturing out with a 1 week old) to the store and I took you out of your carrier and you were happily snuggled in the crook of my arm. In that moment there was peace, no neurotic panic, no worries about your well-being, just a content baby boy in the arms of his mama.

I cannot wait to meet you and with just 5 more weeks until your due date I am sincerely going to focus on letting go of the worry and embracing the fact that you are real, and here with me. I love you so much already!

Mom

6 comments:

  1. I am the same way, although I'll say that I've gotten MUCH better over the past two years since Harriet was born. When she was a tiny newborn, I would check her about twenty times/night to make sure she was breathing. Now, I don't check on her at all at night. Little by little, you will feel more and more comfortable with all of this and that anxiety will slowly lessen. Until then, don't beat yourself up about it. It's okay. Also, I LOVED your comment on my last blog post. I tried to email you back, but you're a no-reply blogger so I couldn't. Just wanted to let you know that your comment made me smile.

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    1. Thanks Em! So glad to know I'm not the only worrywart out there. :) Thanks for the heads up about my no-reply status. I had no idea. I think I've fixed it in the settings. Hope you are feeling well! And just a conspiratorial aside, I don't even have a little one to chase after yet, but I'm planning on staying in my gray stretchy pants all day long! :)

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  2. I can't believe you only have 5 weeks until you meet your little man! Hoping that you can enjoy the last few weeks… though there's no shame in worrying. I'd worry about every single one of those things and then some!

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    1. Thanks dear! Kudos on making it through your first batch of injections! You'll be a pro at this in no time. :) Side note, the new makeup is lovely (as are you)!

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  3. Wow, I can't believe its only 5 weeks! I can't speak from experience, but it is comforting to know that you are worried the whole way through (because I know if I get there I will be, too). I worry that all the things that are supposed to be reassuring (like those kick counts) will only be ways to check if something is NOT right. I am also reassured that you had that beautiful dream, because it sounded so peaceful. I hope that you have absolutely nothing to worry about (although I think that's natural especially given the trials and tribulations leading to Arlo) and in almost FOUR weeks your sweet Arlo will be in that crook of your arm and you will have that wonderful sense of peace at last. I think of you often!

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    1. Thank you so much. I think most women probably worry during the course of their pregnancies, but I have to think that it's heightened for those who have walked the IF path to get there. I really don't want to be a crazy woman, but my heart is in the right place. I just want to do all I can to make sure he makes it into this world healthy. PERIOD. Four more weeks! Here's hoping he's on time. :)

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