Authenticity

We live in a time when we have abundant forums to share our lives (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram) yet we are often not authentic in that sharing. I'm not saying that we propagate falsehoods, but we really only share our best selves. We post a status update when we have something bright and witty to say. We share a photo when we look our best. We post about our careers when we get a promotion or bonus. What we avoid like the plague is posting updates about failed cycles, miscarriages, divorce, unemployment, and loss.

Please don't misconstrue what I'm saying here. I'm not suggesting that everything in our lives must be laid bare to the social media masses. Perish the thought! There are some things that are just private. Period. What I am suggesting is the importance of cultivating authentic relationships. 

When I "came out" about our infertility struggle, my private message box on Facebook filled with friends sharing that they too struggled with infertility. Soon I realized that some of the beautiful Christmas cards I receive each year filled with photos of beautiful smiling children were brought into this world with ART. My previous fears that everyone else had their lives together while I was somehow broken beyond repair were quickly assuaged. 

So now that I am joyfully pregnant, I started to wonder how I can avoid stepping into the well-intentioned, albeit annoying habit of only sharing the highlight reel of my family's life and stashing the B-roll well out of sight. Do you promise yourself that for every precious photo of your child posted, you also balance the universe by sharing your frustration with their latest tantrum? Is there a formula to follow? If you were looking for an answer, I don't have one. But I will share that my goal is to build a simple and authentic life.

When I asked myself what that looks like, I realized it sounds a little ambiguous and buzz-wordy, so I'm trying to break it down to the core of what I want for myself and my family.

Here is what I'm working towards (and putting in writing so you can call me out when I'm not!):

• Understand that I will fail and embrace those losses as learning moments when they happen
• When appropriate, share said failures 
• Not be fearful of frailty 
• Surround myself with authentic people who bring out the best in me (in my career and in my friendships). It's that whole iron sharpening iron thing.
• Live a simple life. Get the hell off Pinterest (or at least take a break) and quit comparing my wardrobe, home, car, lifestyle, bank account to others. Live comfortably within our means and love. :)

Seems like a good starting point. 

A Note To Our Little Avocado

Today was our 16 week appointment with our OB. We were both hoping that at today's sneak peek we (and by we I mean the doc who is skilled in reading ultrasounds) might be able to tell if you are a boy or a girl. No such luck today, we did get measurements of your head, torso, femur (2.5 cm in case you were curious), and got a really cool look at your spine. I'm still amazed at watching your little life grow! You are no longer a product of my dreams, you are a real, heart-beating, blood pumping person growing at an incredible rate! 

Once the size of a poppy seed, you are now a full blown avocado! In just a few more weeks, you will be approaching the size of a grapefruit. Four weeks from today we will be halfway through the pregnancy. Halfway to sleepless nights holding you, our much hoped for child. It all feels strangely surreal, although not as fragile, tentative and nerve wracking as the first 12 weeks. 

I'm eager to begin feeling those first small flutters announcing your movements and reminding me that I'm not alone. I understand that your ears are developing so get ready for my morning commute sing-alongs, your mother has no shame in her game. 

Keep growing little one. We are already so in love with you!

MIA

I've been MIA from my blog for a couple of weeks now. The reason? Monday kicks off my busiest week of the year at work (our annual conference) and thus the last few weeks have been very full with planning, meetings and logistics. The good news is that I feel ready for the marathon week ahead! 

So what's happened in the past few weeks with Baby Gage, you ask? Quite a bit! We had our first appointment with our OB last week and got to see our little one. Our baby is a mover! As soon as the ultrasound brought my womb into focus, both arms and legs began pinwheeling! It was so exciting to see our progeny move about. I cannot wait to begin feeling those flutterings and kicks (which my doctor thinks I'll begin to feel in early September). Baby Gage measured right where he or she should be for this point in our pregnancy. Our OB was able to get a view of the baby's brain during the ultrasound and quipped that we should keep all savings for fabulous vacations because this child would obviously be brilliant and earn a full ride to the university of their choice. I know he must say this to every patient, but it was no less thrilling to see our baby's 12 week old brain!

I had another more detailed ultrasound this week for our sequential screening. The amazing thing about this appointment was the detail the ultrasound provided. I could see the individual bones in our baby's hands and feet, and could see the baby swallow! What a tiny, beautiful miracle!

We are now headed into our 14th week and officially in the second trimester...whew! Making it this far feels like such a surreal accomplishment. My nausea has pretty much subsided and my energy levels are rebounding. My belly is beginning to protrude and I have embraced the comfort and forgiveness of maternity pants. As evidenced by the time stamp on this blog, I'm also experiencing a bit of insomnia. I wake up once or twice a night to use the bathroom and my brain flips on and begins cataloging a list of to-dos, replaying conversations from the day, and wandering to baby names.

Our next ultrasound is in just over two weeks and we are REALLY hoping to find out if our little Embry is a boy or a girl. I have strong sense that we're having a boy, but have heard countless stories from my mommy friends of how their maternal instinct told them one thing, only to be proven wrong by the ultrasound tech. Regardless of the sex of our baby, we're thrilled that he or she is growing strong and healthy!

The Graduate

Guess who has two thumbs, is officially graduated from her infertility clinic, AND weaned from her meds?

THIS GIRL!

No more 5:30 am wake-up calls for progesterone shots. No more sticky estrogen patches that no amount of scrubbing completely remove. More than anything I'm thrilled that my body seems to be doing what it is supposed to: producing the hormones needed to sustain a pregnancy and grow this sweet baby.

We are just a few short days from hitting the 12 week milestone and 6 days from our first appointment with our OB and another ultrasound to see our little one (now the size of a fig!). To say we are excited would be an understatement. Stay cozy Embry!

A Letter to Embry

I had my first dream about you last night. As dreams tend  to go, it was brief and fleeting, but it was particularly vivid. I was bent over your infant carrier watching you sleep. You were so tiny! As you slept you were smiling and making tiny sleeping baby noises. I had the distinct feeling that you were a boy (forgive me if I'm wrong!) and you were absolutely breath-taking. Technically, you woke me from my dream, as I stirred to wake up and use the bathroom in the middle of the night. I desperately wanted to fall back asleep and see you again! I guess I'll have to wait two more weeks until our next ultrasound, but that grainy black and white image does not do you justice.

In other news, you are now the size of a kumquat and I think the cravings have officially begun. My current favorite foods are BLT's on sourdough and spicy dill pickles from Heine's produce stand. All my pants are snug and I wore my first pair of maternity pants to work today...talk about freedom! Visit me in my dreams anytime little one. 

Moving On

I never thought I would be sad to be released from the care of my Reproductive Endocrinologist, yet here I am 9 weeks pregnant and a tiny bit sad to leave the amazing staff at Conceptions Reproductive Associates. Monday we had our last ultrasound at CRA and filled out the patient release forms so all our records can be sent to my OB. I will still go in for a quick blood draw next Tuesday so they can work out a plan to wean me off my medications, but other than that we are done. No more consults, no more exams. My care will be transferred to the amazing care of my OB who I absolutely adore! I've been seeing him for my annual exams for the past 6 years and he is a remarkable doctor who makes his patients feel special and important. I can think of no one else I would want to care for me during pregnancy and deliver our precious little one, but the transition is bittersweet.

When I would sit in the waiting room at CRA, I knew I was not alone. There was a room full of other hopeful men and women waiting to be promoted to daddy & mommy. There was a comfort in knowing you were among fellow travelers on the path of suck-ass infertility (yea, I said suck-ass). There was a tenderness and caution among the staff and they approach their patients with care and kleenex. I feel a strong attachment especially to our donor egg coordination team. For those of you who have been through IVF, you know there is an incredibly sensitive timeline that has to be managed. When you add in the component of of donor + an anxious recipient, the process is even more complicated. Our nurses coordinated our care seamlessly and somehow, without conveying any identifying information, made me feel connected to our donor in a very special way.

As we prepare to move on from "infertility patient" to "expectant parents" I wanted to provide some small token of our appreciation to our nurses, sonographers and phlebotomists who helped make this step a reality. Today I assembled some goody bags to deliver along with hand-written thank you notes. 

Lest you think I'm incredibly creative, I will credit the idea to a blog I found via Pinterest. Thank goodness for other creative people I can copy emulate.

I'm working to figure out how to navigate these new waters. I still don't feel like I have left infertility behind. It's far too fresh and far too early. I also don't know that I want to leave it behind. It is a cause I'm incredibly attached to. In case you couldn't tell from my rather lathered up post a couple of weeks ago, I am passionate about making sure that the message of infertility is shared broadly. It's about education. It's about men and women understanding how many people this disease touches and realizing that if may be part of their reality. It's about support for people struggling, and it's about changing the way our legislators and insurance companies view infertility. In honor of Independence Day, I encourage you to put to use your rights and email your legislators today and encourage them to support the Family Act. I have emailed, faxed, and sent written letters to my elected officials three times in the last 2 months. I have received nothing but stock form letters in response, but I'm pretty tenacious. I REALLY want to see a CO legislator supporting this bill. So before you leave for the fireworks, I encourage you to spend 5 minutes to send an email to your legislators here. If your legislator is already sponsoring this bill, write a note of thanks for their support!

Ok, off the soap box. Happy Fourth everyone! :)

Little Miracle

Yesterday we had our second ultrasound.  I wasn't the nervous wreck I was last time and actually had a healthy normal blood pressure when they checked my vitals. When our sweet sonographer began, her first words were "Oh My!" In just two weeks little Embry has more than doubled in size. We heard a beautiful rapid healthy heartbeat of 185 bpm. After checking to make sure my ovaries and uterus looked healthy, we got a guided tour of our little one. She pointed out the head, arm and leg buds, spine, and heart (now with four chambers!).  Baby Gage measures right at an inch long and is about the size of a large grape. While I can't feel any movement, we were able to watch our baby move and wiggle during the ultrasound. 

I know I am guilty of overusing the words "awesome" and "miracle" in everyday conversations. "That lemon tart was awesome!" "The mailman made it to our house before 5pm, It's a miracle!" Yesterday's appointment put these words into perspective for me. I have a tiny, grape-sized miracle growing in me and that is truly awesome.